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I don’t look into a person’s eyes,  being too afraid they’ll look into my soul. But I try my best. I’m worried they’ll look too deep into them and see emptiness, or rather too many thoughts running through my mind that I’m not conscious I’m thinking of them. I don’t like it when people look at me, being afraid they’ll notice an imperfection or even how sad I really can be. I’m very serious most of the time and don’t like talking to people. People bother me. People annoy me. But most of all, I don’t like talking to people, because then you get to know them, more and more each day. Then soon enough when you think you’re just getting to know THEM they leave. They always do. Eventually. Being serious and the shy person I naturally am, I try to make that enough to scare people off, so I don’t get to know them, and then I don’t have to worry about them leaving me, because I never actually knew them, right? So that’s one less tear for me to shed at night while thinking of the past things, that once made me not be able to sleep and led my eyes to stare at the clock until I hear the “tick-tock” of the electronic clock that should make no sound, but yet I’m making the sound in my mind to see if it helps me sleep even better. Once I realize I am thinking too much while trying to go to sleep, I stop and finally get to rest. One thing I actually like is sleeping, it’s the only cure of not thinking or worrying.

I don’t like being alone, but who does? Being alone means that there is no one to distract you of the thoughts running through our head. So when I’m alone, all I’m left to accompany me are my thoughts, MY thoughts get me worried, and getting worried makes me cry a little inside, writing this is making me cry, it’s getting harder but easier to write each and every of these words. I don’t want anyone reading this, but at the same time I want people to be able to know what goes through my head. My thoughts make me cry a little inside, and in the outside I have the most emotionless look because I don’t want to make others worry, I don’t want them to be as trapped in these thoughts as I am. No one is here right now, am I allowed to cry myself a river?

My thoughts get me worried, I get worried about school, about home, things that are happening around the world, about everything. I get worried about not getting my work done, because if I don’t get my work done, then I don’t get good grades, if I don’t get good grades, I won’t get into good colleges, if I don’t go to college, I will have disappointed my mom, that’s the last person I would like to disappoint in my life. Even though I feel like I do it all the time, this is one of those things I don’t want her to worry about. I want her to leave this world happily knowing I will be fine, that I know how to take care of myself. Sometimes I don’t like being the youngest, because it all lies on me, the last chance to make my mom proud, to make others find out what a great person I turned out to be and for them to know what they missed out on.

Sometimes I wish people would know, I’m doing the best I can. But sometimes even the fullest of one’s ability is not enough for someone. That discourages me and makes me get a little upset, how come people can’t appreciate the little things, the little efforts? But now that I think about it, I don’t think I do that, appreciate the little things, I guess I’m not the one to be saying these things.

I guess these thoughts, aren’t really thoughts? Are they to be called memories? Well, I like the word thoughts better. Maybe these thoughts aren’t as bad as I may think. If I would have never had them, then I wouldn’t know what to cautious about. If they had a machine to take away all of the thoughts in our minds, I wouldn’t use it, because these thoughts are what made me who I am. I accept who I am and hope others do too.